2013. május 20., hétfő

The child of divorced parents?

Actually, I wasn't planning to write about his topic earlier, but then suddenly it's just popped into my head. Although I still don't know what to do with it: share it or don't? It's like people in the movies, when over ther right shoulder there's an angel and over the left there's the devil and they try to make you choose their side.
It hurts the most for the kids

I was 10, when my parents got divorced, and it was a very painful period for me. Today, of course, I realize that this is much better for them, and in a sort of way for me too. But first I just couldn't understand the fact, they both are not gonna be every morning with me when I wake up and I didn't really understand why is it happening with our family. It was one of the worst era in my life, there was everything you can think of involved, like police and some authorities and a lot of fights between my parents and me and my parents and just in my family. I'm not gonna be writing about all the details, because first of all it's some personal business, and on the other hand, that's not the point now.

In a divorce - despite all the rumors - it's always the kid, who gets the worst part of it. The first question is always, who will the kid live with. Well, it's like you need to choose, who do you like better. Normally, a child loves both of her parents the same, so it's not a fair question. And if you do answer it, then you will just simply hurt the other one, who probably tried to do his/her best to raise you.

I'll never forget the day, when my parents announced their divorce to me. I had a competition that weekend, and we were on our way back home. We also went to a large shopping center, and I found it a bit unusual, that they allowed me to do more than they would normally. So I noticed this, but it didn't really bother me, so I didn't think about it why (what 10 year old would?). I just enjoyed the the situation. Then came the cold news in the evening, before going to bed. They told me,  that they no longer loved each other like they did before, but I didn't need to be afraid, they loved me, it didn't change anything. I really wanted to believe them, but I was very sad and I wanted everything to stay the way it was. I should add, that this wasn't the period, when every second marriages end with a divorce, like nowadays. I don't know why is it became such a new trend lately. My parents have become separate after 11 years, and now you can hear, that people get divorced after 2 years or even after 5-6 months of marriage. I beg you, think before doing anything... Of course, we can say that it is just a piece of paper, and it probably is, as long as it doesn't involve anybody else, but when kids come in the picture, it makes everything much more complicated. But if there is a little one, then just please don't get married again like 120 times. Well I kind of got distracted at this point, I know.

After that, there's the next critical point, which is moving to another place. Actually, we moved before that with my family kinda a lot, but I loved this place. Here we had a big house in a new street, which was full of kids around my age,so I always had somebody to play with, go out for an ice cream or just to hang out with.  There was always something going on here, for example some random "let's get together around the fire" events, which I loved. So this was another little tragic of mine, but it was just some really tiny things in addition to the whole divorce.

I guess, this is a typical question, that pops into our mind

The last questionmark was for me about getting a  "new mom / dad". After getting divorced they both found somebody new really quick, so I didn't really had the time to think about whether I will love them, or they will be like the evil ones from the fairytales. Of course in the beggining I wasn't really happy about it, but I didn't show it  to the outside, because I didn't want to hurt anybody, and I was a little shy,so I didn't want to argue, we had enough fights without it, too. Of course now I see, that this probably wasn't the best tactic, but what's done is done, I can't turn back time. The point is, that in the beginning it was very strange, that we not only live seperated in a new house, but I get someone new to live with us at the same time. Of course, as soon as I got used to them, I never had a problem with it, it's just not how I had imagined my life.

Oh, and one more thing. After a divorce, I guess the child lives with one parent, and the other one "gets" to spend every second weekend with the kid, that's the law. It would've been a huge break for me, so we discussed, that Iwould spend one week with my mom and one with my dad, so I could spend the same amount of time with everybody. So we had created our own little system. In the reality it looks like this: Every sunday I packed my things (school supplies, clothes or everything that I need on a daily basis) in a suitcase, and then moved to the other house. I don't say it's the best and most convenient method, because it is far from it. But this is how I lived my everyday life, until I was 19 and I went to college. Of course, as time goes by, I forgot more and more things at the other place, which meant another discussion about how forgetful I am, and that I'm lucky that my head is "stuck" on my neck, otherwise I would forget about it, too. I hated it , because I didn't ask for any of this mess. I didn't choose to live separately, even if this was the best for them/us. Sometimes they even told me, that I was the one, who wanted to spend one week with each of them. Yes it was me, because I didn't want to push aside or shut out anybody of my life. This is how my nature is, I try to protect the people, who are important to me, even if I'm the one at the end, who gets judged or feels terrible about it. So I just felt it really unfair, that everytime I was the one, who got hurt, when I tried to do my best. Yes sometimes I forget stuffs, then what? I was doing this commuting 9 years long, I was stuck in these weekly swaps of my life, they can't really blame me for not remembering things. I've never had a stable place. Of course, I have my own seperate room in their house, but it didn't make it better. But if I had the chance, the make that decision againg, I wouldn't choose any other way, because I couldn't find another one, which could function better. On the other hand, I don't think this is a viable path for everybody, because it's not healthy. Each family must find their own method, that works the best for them, and what makes this whole thing less painful for everyone. Of course you should deal with compromises, but it's not impossible. :)

But don't forget, this is only my story, I know people whose parents are also divorced, but they had no complications and everything went smoothly. But I don't say, that my case is unique, it's not. I just wrote it all down, to help others. Maybe somebody is dealing with the same  right now, and I just wanted to tell with it, that it will get better! Nothing bad lasts forever. And this may be a typical cliche, but time really helps a little bit. Maybe I was a bit rambling and straggly, so I apologize for that, but it is still quite sore point of my life, even though 10 years have passed since then.

I wish you all a good night :)

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